Lessons from a Mother's Diary
by Bryan Greenberg
Summary: Rory Hayden knows two things: love is meaningless and she has to get out of the world that destroyed her parents. Sophie.
1. Late Night Phone Calls

Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls.

AN- Lorelai and Chris got married and followed the grandparents' plan. This is the end of Rory's sophomore year at Yale. She met and began casually dating Logan at the end of her freshman year. You find everything else out in the story.

**Ch. 1- Late Night Phone Calls**

Rory glanced at the clock as she woke up and reached for her ringing cell phone. She sighed. 3:30 in the morning. She glanced at the caller ID. It was a number she knew well, but she was unable to bring herself to store it in her phone. Even after all these years she wasn't ready to admit how often she got late night phone calls from a bar.

"Hey," she mumbled into the phone.

"Hey, Rory," Mark, the youngest bartender at the Wet Whistle, said sympathetically, "You'd better come get her. She's really bad tonight. It's been a while since she's been this bad."

"Yeah," Rory said. She had been expecting this. It was her parents' anniversary and that was more than enough to drive her mother to the bottle even more than usual. "I'm on my way," she told Mark, "Thanks for calling. Try to keep her from drinking anymore."

"I already cut her off," he assured her, "I told her we were out of tequila. Be careful coming. It's late."

The two said their goodbyes and hung up. Rory sighed and squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she had anyone's life but her own. Lorelai had to be really drunk to have believed Mark when he told her they were out of tequila.

She glanced over at the blond head on the pillow next to her. He should be gone by now, but this past week he had started spending the night after they had sex. He was getting too attached, but Rory was having a hard time distancing him. If she was honest with herself, and she rarely was, she was getting a little too attached herself.

She opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She began extracting herself from Logan's grasp, praying not to wake him. She wasn't so lucky.

He opened his eyes sleepily. "You're sneaking out of your own room in the middle of the night?" He asked, confused and half asleep, "That's taking commitment phobic to whole new levels."

Rory rolled her eyes. "I have to go," she said, "I'll talk to you later. Stay here if you want to."

Logan sat up and rubbed his eyes sleepily. He watched as Rory got dressed and gathered her keys and phone. "It's the middle of the night," he stated, "You're driving somewhere?"

"Yes," Rory answered shortly.

"That's dangerous," he said, knowing he was going to be in trouble, "I'll come with you."

She glared at him. "So you can protect me? The damsel in distress?" she spat, "I don't think so Logan. How do you know I'm not going to fuck some other guy?"

He cringed at the reference to the openness of their relationship. "Because you're not a slut, Rory," he said softly, "And I'm coming with you. This isn't about you being weak. This is about being alone in the middle of the night. What if your car breaks down?"

Her gaze softened slightly at his genuine concern. "I'll be fine," she insisted, "I do this all the time." He was confused by that comment, but he remained determined. She saw the stubbornness in his features. "Fine," she said, "But you're not allowed to comment about where I'm going. I don't want to talk about feelings or any of that crap."

She turned on her heel and headed out of the dorm, leaving Logan to follow her. He fell into step beside her as they headed out of the dorm and towards the parking lot. They sat in silence in the car as she drove. He glanced over at her every few minutes. She was chewing on her lip and had a look on her face that he couldn't describe except that it was sad.

"We're going to Hartford," she said. Logan just nodded and they drove the rest of the way in silence.

Logan didn't voice his confusion as they parked in front of the bar. He just followed Rory as she got out of the car and headed into the Wet Whistle. He watched as she nodded in recognition at the bartender and headed to a brunette woman who was practically passed out on top of the bar.

Rory sighed as she approached her mother. Lorelai was in the position Rory most identified her with. She felt like her relationship with her mother was a series of images of her collecting Lorelai from this bar.

"Let's go, Mom," she said, resigned, pulling Lorelai up and positioning herself under her shoulder.

Lorelai wobbled and Rory could feel her falling from her grasp when Logan came up next to them and steadied her. The two began walking to the car, practically carrying Lorelai between them.

"You Rory's boyfriend?" Lorelai slurred.

"This is Logan, Mom," Rory said, trying to keep her moving.

"You should be careful," Lorelai continued, "Rory doesn't care about people. No close people for Rory. That's how she is. She probably blames me for that."

"Um," Logan mumbled, not really sure what to say.

"But I'll tell you a secret," Lorelai said, attempting to whisper, "I blame her for how I am."

Logan sucked in his breath and looked at Rory. She avoided his gaze, but he thought he saw her eyes fill with tears before she swallowed and rid her face of all emotion. In that one moment, Lorelai showed Logan exactly why Rory was so afraid of caring about anything. He was more determined than ever to break through her barriers.

Nothing else was said as they got Lorelai into the backseat of Rory's car and drove to her childhood home. Rory turned the key and let them into the house. She glanced around, noticing that the entire house was dark except for the light coming from the crack under the door to her father's office.

Christopher Hayden didn't sleep very often. He didn't really do anything but work at a job he hated. The office door opened and light spilled into the hallway as Logan and Rory struggled to get Lorelai up the stairs.

"What are you doing here, Rory?" Chris asked, purposely ignoring the presence of his alcoholic wife.

Rory glared at him. "I got another call from the Wet Whistle," she said, "They wanted me to pick up Mom. You know, the woman you married twenty years ago today, or yesterday, I guess."

"She hasn't been that woman in a very long time, Rory," Chris replied coldly, though Logan could see a flash of regret in his eyes that was imperceptible to Rory after years of resentment towards both her parents, "You never even knew the woman I married." He turned then and went back into his office without a glance towards Lorelai.

It took about ten minutes for Rory and Logan to get Lorelai up the stairs and to her bedroom; Chris and Lorelai hadn't shared a bedroom since before Rory could remember. It would have gone faster if Rory had allowed Logan to carry Lorelai, but Rory was unwilling to give up even that much control.

When they got back into the car to head back to Yale, Rory was quiet for a few minutes before she began to sleep. "They weren't always like that," she said quietly.

She stopped for a moment, but Logan didn't say anything. He didn't want to say anything that would stop her from opening up to him.

"They were sixteen when she got pregnant," Rory finally continued, "They had all these plans. They were going to break away from 'the plan.' They were going to backpack through Europe before college. They hated their parents' world, our world, and they wanted nothing more than to be free of it and all its expectation. But then she got pregnant and they got married and they needed to support me so he started working for his father while he went to college and she stayed home with me or went to DAR meetings with my grandmother. It broke them. I always knew she resented me for it, blamed me…but she's never said it out loud before."

Logan could see her face clearly as the sun rose. For the second time that day he watched as she took a deep breath and pushed every moment present on her face down until her face was completely expressionless. It was one of the most frightening things he'd every seen. No one should be able to do that. He placed his hand on top of hers. This seemed to startle her from a trance. She jerked her hand away from him and put it on the steering wheel.

"Whatever," she said, "I'm fine. I've never needed them."

The rest of the ride was spent in silence. The moment of honesty that had come over Rory was gone and all of her defenses were firmly back in place. It was seven by the time they got back to Yale and to her dorm room.

She headed straight for her bedroom, not saying a word to Logan or even glancing at him. He grabbed her elbow gently.

"Hey," he said softly, "Do you want to talk?"

"I need to sleep," she said, not meeting his eyes, "I have class at nine. I can get an hour before I have to start getting ready."

"Skip it," he said, "You'll be fine missing one day. We'll take a long nap and then we'll talk."

Rory hadn't skipped a single class in her entire college career. She hadn't worked so hard her entire life to blow it by being a normal college student. She was getting out of this world even if her parents hadn't been able to.

"No, Logan," she said firmly, "I'm going to class and I don't want to talk."

"Come on," he pleaded, "It'll make you feel better."

"God damn it, Logan!" she shouted, her pent up emotions from the night exploding, "I told you if you were coming with me I wasn't going to talk about it. You're not my fucking boyfriend."

"Your choice, not mine," he spat back, finally getting fed up, "You may be able to dictate the terms of this relationship but you can't dictate how I feel about you and you can't make me see anyone else."

Rory didn't say anything. She just glared at him and stomped into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Logan sat down on the couch and sighed, cradling his forehead in his hands.

"You shouldn't have done that," a voice said from the other side of the common room. Logan turned around and saw a blonde leaning against her door frame wearing only a man's shirt which Logan assumed belonged to her bed partner of the evening.

Rory had been friends with Louise Grant and Madeline Lynn for most of her life. They were as close to her as she let anyone get. Her freshman year she had roomed with a stranger, but it had proven awkward when she started questioning Rory on her habit of going out in the middle of the night at least once every two weeks. Madeline and Louise had been around long enough to know what Rory's home life was like and they never asked questions. So this year the three had gotten a suite of three single rooms connected by a common room and kitchen.

"You really shouldn't have done that," Louise repeated.

"Sorry we woke you up," Logan mumbled, not wanting to talk about it.

"You're going to scare her away," she continued, ignoring the fact that he spoke at all, "She's already freaked out about how close she's getting to you."

"This isn't really your business," Logan stated.

She gave him a pointed look. Despite the distancing act that Rory had perfected over the years, both Louise and Madeline were fiercely protective of their friend, not wanting her to experience the hurt from which she so vehemently shielded herself.

"She doesn't talk about her parents," Louise said, "Not even to me and Mads. You're just going to push her away."

Logan didn't say anything. Louise gave him an appraising look and, since he looked so pathetic, decided to throw him a bone.

"She's not seeing anyone either," she said before turning and going back into her room.

AN- I wanted to preemptively say two things about this story. First, Chris is not meant to be the evil villain who made Lorelai who she is in this story. They are both victims of a life they never wanted. Second, I imagine people are going to be talking about how OOC Logan is (obviously Rory, Lorelai, and Chris are but that's a product of very different lives than the ones they lead on the show). I don't actually think Logan is that OOC though. Remember, he and Rory have been seeing each other for a year now. When they started he was all for the no strings relationship, but he's grown to care about her. I think that, based on his reaction in Pulp Friction and to Rory's (non)ultimatum in But I'm a Gilmore, Logan would have eventually gotten to a point on his own where he only wanted to see Rory. Anyway, I hope you like this story. I'm pretty much in love with the concept so I hope I executed it ok.


	2. Planned Parenthood

Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls.

AN- Thanks for the feedback. You people rock.

**Ch. 2- Planned Parenthood **

Madeline and Louise were sitting in their common room the next afternoon and discussing their third roommate while Rory was in class. Madeline was a very heavy sleeper and had not heard Rory and Logan's fight the night before, but Louise had wasted no time in telling her what had happened.

"She took him when she went to pick up Lorelai?" Madeline asked, incredulous. Both she and Louise had noticed that Rory was getting closer to Logan then she had any guy before him, but this was irrefutable evidence that Logan was different.

Louise nodded. "She was clearly regretting it when they got back though," she stated, "He tried to get her to talk about it."

"Bad plan," Madeline said, shaking her head. She really hoped that Rory wouldn't push Logan away. She could see how much he cared for her, and how he was slowly getting her to open up. "We should help him," she said decisively.

Louise nodded and bit her lip. "We should," she agreed, "But we have to make sure Rory doesn't know what we're doing or she'll get defensive and break up with him."

Madeline nodded and bit her lip pensively. It was going to be difficult to help Logan at all. They were both still sitting there thinking when Rory walked into the room, finally done with her classes for the day.

"Hey," she said, giving the two a tired smile. She was clearly exhausted. She had circles and bags under her eyes which were dull and slightly red rimmed. "I'm taking a nap," she stated before heading straight into her room.

Rory flopped onto her bed and closed her eyes tightly. It was the first time since the evening before that she had allowed herself to think about her mother's cruel drunken words. She had lived most of her life with the knowledge that her very existence killed the spirited person her mother once was. She reached under her bed and pulled out the one connection she had to that person.

Her mother's diary. It was Rory's secret shame. She had found it when she was ten years old. She had just started to realize that there was something wrong with her parents, that her mother wasn't supposed to be drunk all the time and that, while many of her friends' fathers worked a lot, hers seemed to care less than most. Her nanny had been dismissed just a month earlier by Lorelai who claimed she was too involved in things that weren't her business. She insisted Rory was old enough to fend for herself anyway.

Before leaving, her nanny had suggested she hide in the attic when her mother would go into a drunken rage: 'one of her moods', the nanny called them. At times Lorelai would drag Chris from his office and loud incomprehensible fights would occur that Rory would try to shut out. She couldn't hear them in the attic, but she was never sure how long the fights or her mother's mood would last so she stayed up there hours longer than she had to.

After a few times of sitting up in the attic, curled up into a little ball for hours, she began looking around, searching for hidden treasures in the nooks and crannies of her attic. She came across an old box labeled 'Lorelai.' Recognizing both her own name and her mother's, the inquisitive ten year old pulled the box open and began looking through it. She dug through piles of bright clothing and keepsakes like a magic eight ball.

At the very bottom of the box was an old diary, one that had once been locked together but the lock had broken open with age. Scrawled on the front of the diary in a messy hand were the words _Lorelai's Diary: Keep Out! (I mean it mother!)_. Intrigued, she opened the diary to the last entry and began to read.

_Holy fuck diary, _

_I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I'm pregnant. How the hell can I be pregnant? I can't breathe. How am I going to tell Chris? I know he loves me, but, fuck, we're only 16. He's not ready to be a father. I'm sure as hell not ready to be a mother. We can't take a toddler with us to Europe. I probably can't even finish high school. I never thought I'd freak out about not being able to go back to school. But even I know I'll never get away from my parents without at least a high school degree. Shit. My parents. How am I going to tell Emily and Richard? They'll kill me. They'll seriously kill me. Oh, god. I'm going to give Emily a heart attack. Shit, shit, shit. I need a drink. But I can't fucking drink or it'll come out all deformed. Fuck. I have to tell everybody and soon. _

_Actually...Maybe I don't have to tell anyone. I could just take a trip to Planned Parenthood. Maybe I'll just get rid of it. _

That was it. That was the last entry in the diary of sixteen year old Lorelai Gilmore. Rory may have been only ten but she had always been precocious, and she knew very well what the euphemism 'get rid of it' implied. That was the first and only time she fully allowed herself to cry over her mother's resentment of her existence. That marked the moment when the little girl began to shield herself from everything.

After that, Rory began reading the diary from the beginning. Further digging revealed even more diaries beginning on the first day of Lorelai's freshman year. Whenever she found herself hiding in the attic she would pull out the diary and read about the life of a vibrant girl who couldn't possibly be the same woman as her mother.

By now the entire diary was well read. Rory had memorized each and every entry yet she still went back to read it in her mother's messy teen-aged scrawl. She never again read that last entry, but she always wondered what had happened. Why did she exist? Why hadn't Lorelai taken that trip to Planned Parenthood? She would never know, and she wasn't even sure if she was grateful. She wasn't suicidal and she knew she had a decent life as far as things went, but she could never muster up the enthusiasm for her apparent saved life.

After last night, Rory needed to read her favorite entry in the diary. It wouldn't make her feel better. It would highlight the change in her mother brought about solely by her existence, but she needed to read it none the less. She opened the well-read diary directly to the page she wanted.

_Hey Diary, _

_This is an amazing day. I kissed Chris. He was just standing there in the parking lot and I just wanted to kiss him. I don't know what came over me. I've known him practically my whole life. He's my best friend. Straub and Francine are like my uptight aunt and uncle. But he just looked so cute and, all of a sudden, he wasn't the kid I used to take baths with, but this really cute and nice boy. So I just went up to him and kissed him. And he totally kissed me back. It was amazing. I told him I just wanted to know what it felt like. He just grinned at me. I think he's my boyfriend now. I'm so lucky. I can't believe I'm falling for my best friend and he likes me too. I've never been so happy in my whole life. Oh, Emily's calling. The phone's for me. Maybe it's him. Squeal! (Sorry for that majorly girly moment.)Later, Diary. _

As often as Rory had read that entry, she still couldn't imagine it. She couldn't imagine her parents as friendly, let alone best friends on the cusp of love. Rory thought of this entry as the first lesson she learned from her mother, since the woman had never had time to teach her anything in person. If even her parents could have been hopefully in love at one point, then love couldn't be real. It was fickle and transient.

Rory had taken to reading this even more lately as her relationship with Logan became closer. She couldn't bring herself to break it off with him, but she could continue to remind herself that, whatever she was feeling, it couldn't last forever. And, for the first time in her life, that thought really hurt.

Taking a deep breath and trying to convince herself that she didn't care that whatever she had with Logan wasn't forever, she lay back on her bed, hugging the diary to her chest, and finally fell asleep.

After Rory walked through the common room and into her bedroom, Madeline and Louise looked at each other. She looked bad, and it wasn't just because of her exhaustion. One glance at her reassured them that they were doing the right thing attempting to meddle in their friend's love life.

They didn't want to do any scheming that would come back to bite them or Logan in the ass. So they decided it would be best if they just talked to him and gave him a little advice on how not to scare Rory away.

About ten minutes after Rory disappeared into her room there was a knock on their door. Madeline went to open it and found Logan standing on the other side. She shook her head and gave him a smile.

"You really need our help," she said, "You have to give her some space, Logan. You're going to push her away."

"Just let me through, Madeline," he mumbled, "I just want to talk to her."

Louise came and stood next to Madeline. "She's sleeping," Louise said, "Believe me, you don't want to wake her up."

Logan sighed and leaned against the door frame. He brought his hand up to his face and rubbed his temples tiredly.

"Come on, lover boy," Louise said, taking him by the elbow, "Let's get some coffee, and Mads and I will give you a little advice."


	3. Days of the Week Underwear

Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls.

**Ch. 3- Days of the Week Underwear**

Logan paced his room, holding his cell phone in his hand. He hadn't spoken to Rory in over a week, and he was debating whether or not he should call her. Until now he had taken Madeline and Louise's advice that they had imparted so willingly, and he had been waiting for her to contact him. He figured that they knew her better than anyone and the last thing he wanted to do was scare her away.

He sighed and flopped back onto his bed, putting his phone on his bed side table. He would wait a little longer before calling Rory. He didn't know what it was about this girl that was so enticing. She was damaged, and that certainly was something he had avoided in the past. Damaged meant complicated which precluded simple, meaningless fun, and Logan prided himself on his successful pursuit of just that sort of fun.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't hear the knock on the door to his dorm room or notice his roommate, Lanny, answering it. He was only broken from his reverie when his door was flung open and his two best friends entered.

"What's this I see?" asked the jovial, if slightly tipsy, voice of his Australian friend Finn, "Is that our dear mate, Logan? Can it be he who is brooding this way?"

"It looks like Logan," answered Colin, his voice teasing, "But it can't be. Logan doesn't lock himself in his room, pouting over a girl."

"You two are hilarious," Logan stated dryly, "What do you want?"

"I want a cure for the common hangover…and the uncommon one," Finn said gravely, "What do you want Colin?"

"I want my days of the week underwear to be in style," Colin stated with a short nod of his head, "But more immediately, we want you to get off your ass and come out with us. It's Friday night and you've been moping about Gilmore all week. You need to get laid, man."

Logan sighed. "Getting laid isn't going to fix anything," he said, "It'll just make me feel guilty."

"Can you hear yourself, mate?" Finn asked incredulously, "Rory's not your girlfriend; you have nothing to feel guilty about. For all you know she's had sex with a different guy each night this week. And a good romp in the sack with a sexy lady fixes everything."

"Just leave me alone," Logan groaned, pulling his pillow over his face in an attempt to block out his friends.

Ignoring his protests, Colin and Finn plopped down next to Logan on his bed, one on either side of him.

When his cell began to ring, Logan reflexively sat straight up. Colin rolled his eyes and grabbed the phone before Logan could. He glanced at the caller ID and grinned widely.

"Why hello Ms. Gilmore," he answered, "Long time no see." He got off the bed and began dodging Logan who was grabbing for his phone.

"Colin?" Rory said, "Why are you answering Logan's phone? Is he there?"

"Is he here?" Colin repeated, leaving the bedroom where Finn was holding Logan back from grabbing the phone, "That's an interesting question, if I do say so myself."

"What?" Rory asked with an annoyed sigh, "Is he there or not Colin?" She had had an exceptionally long week, having received three more phone calls from the Wet Whistle. It was Friday and all she wanted to do was sleep, but she had found that, even when her nights were undisturbed she couldn't sleep. She needed to talk to Logan, settle things down between them, before she would get any rest.

"He's here," Colin replied, "In form, but really, Gilmore, did you have to whip him so thoroughly. He's really not himself."

"Whatever Colin, just give Logan the phone," Rory snapped. "Please," she added, her tone a little gentler.

"Oh, fine," Colin sighed, "Neither one of you is any fun, did you know that?"

He walked back into Logan's room and handed him his phone. Logan glared at both Colin and Finn before taking it and walking into the common room.

"Rory?" he answered.

"Hey, Logan," she responded. He could immediately hear the exhaustion in her voice, but he refrained from commenting. He didn't need to put her on the defensive when she had finally called him. That was another thing Madeline and Louise had warned him about.

"How's it going?" Logan asked nervously.

"Ok," Rory replied, biting her lip, "You want to come over? We should probably talk or something."

"Yeah," Logan responded, "Yeah, I'll be right over."

After they hung up, Rory stood up from the couch where she was sitting and walked into the kitchen. She needed to be doing something so she put on a pot of coffee. She knew she and Logan were going to reach a crossroads soon, and she wasn't sure what she would do about it. She wasn't sure how much longer Logan was going to be willing to stay in their "relationship" when it appeared to be in a standstill, but she wasn't sure she could handle being in a committed relationship.

It wasn't that she had a problem seeing only Logan. In fact, she hadn't been on a date with anyone else since their third month of dating which was almost a year ago. What she was afraid of was breaking the illusion that they were only casually seeing each other.

If she and Logan were no strings attached then she couldn't get her heart broken when the whole thing blew up. She couldn't lose herself and turn to alcohol. He wouldn't turn into his father and a workaholic because of her. And he definitely couldn't put her in a position where she had to stay in the world that she was determined to break away from. The world that turned her parents into the people they were today.

Years of being let down by the people who were never supposed to had made Rory mistrustful and cynical. She'd been planning her escape since she was thirteen years old. She was going to pretend to be the perfect society child until she got through her schooling. She wasn't dumb enough not to take advantage of her easy access to Ivy League education and an adult life without student loans.

As soon as she was done with school she would take her undergraduate degree in political sciences and her law degree from whatever prestigious university she happens to decide on and she would become a lobbyist. For what, she didn't care.

There was nothing refined or ladylike about lobbying, even if it was in defense of the civil rights of the disenfranchised. Actually, that would probably be better. If she worked for the ACLU or Southern Poverty Law Center or even NOW, then she was liberal. And if she was liberal on top of being a lobbyist, she would never be wanted at a society party again, no matter what her name was.

But if she got serious about Logan, her whole plan went down the drain. Logan would graduate and take over his father's company. Rory couldn't see him ever going against his family in the ways that counted. The CEO of a major news company couldn't give up the contacts he had, and he couldn't marry a lobbyist.

So, no matter what, if she got serious about Logan she would be in for heartbreak. She would either give up her dreams and be dragged into the world she was actively trying to escape or she would lose Logan. She refused to see that she was already in too deep with Logan to get out without a little heart break.

Her coffee finished making at the precise moment that she heard a knock on her door. She walked to the door, biting her lip nervously.

"Hey," she said softly when she opened the door and saw Logan, "Come on in. You want some coffee?"

"Sure," he said with a small shrug.

Logan sat down on the couch and Rory joined him a few minutes later, sitting an inch and a half away from him and avoiding touching him. She handed him a mug of coffee and took a long sip of her own.

"So," Logan began, "How was your week?"

"Long," Rory offered, giving him a half smile. "I missed you," she said, her voice barely audible.

Logan drew in a small breath and placed his hand on top of hers.

"You look exhausted," he said, "Why don't you get some sleep. We'll talk about this tomorrow."

Rory shook her head. "We have to talk about this now," she said, "We have to figure this out. I can't sleep until we talk about this. I can't."

Her breathing was becoming slightly labored and her eyes were filling with exhausted tears.

"Hey," Logan said softly, wrapping his arm around her and rubbing small circles in on her lower back, "It'll be ok. Everything is ok."

Her tears began falling harder. "How will it be ok?" she asked, "Nothing is ever ok. No matter what happens, we're going to end, and I refuse to get hurt when that happens."

She began sobbing and couldn't talk anymore. Logan pulled her into his arms and she sobbed violently into his chest. He picked her up and carried her to her room, placing her gently in her bed.

"Get some sleep, Ror," he said gently, "We'll talk tomorrow."

Rory looked up at him when he spoke. "Stay?" she asked between sobs.

Logan nodded and lay beside her on the bed, wrapping his arms around her when she rolled into him. Slowly her sobs subsided and her breathing began to even out. Logan kissed the top of her head and watched her for a while before drifting off to sleep himself. He didn't kid himself that this would completely change their relationship, but maybe it was a start to Rory getting past whatever fears had been instilled in her by her parents.


	4. I don't like it

Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls.

AN- Eek. I am so sorry it's been forever and a day. If you've been to my profile you've seen that I was completely blocked on writing. I think I'm ok now (especially for this story) so expect semi-regular updates on everything but _Mending My Shattered World _which is making me want to cry right now. Anyway, enjoy the chapter.

**Ch. 4- I don't like it**

Logan woke up to an empty bed and sighed. He took her pillow and pressed it against his face, willing it to smother him. It was always one step forward, five trillion steps back with Rory. He rolled out of bed and stretched before heading out of the room in the direction of the bathroom.

His eyes landed on Rory as he exited the room. She'd clearly been up for a while as she was showered and changed. She was staring into the center of a previously steaming cup of coffee. He shuddered to think what she was contemplating that would make her let her coffee get cold before she inhaled it.

He finished his trek to the bathroom before returning to the table and sitting next to Rory, not uttering a word.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before she looked up at him and he saw a hint of fear in her eyes. She was afraid of him.

"I sleep better when you're here," she stated, looking back toward her coffee cup. She was unwilling to see his reaction to that statement. "I don't like it," she clarified before he had a chance to respond.

Logan sighed. "I care about you, Rory," he said, "I don't know why that's a bad thing."

Rory looked up at him, her blue eyes wide and full of pain. "You make it impossible for me not to care back. And I can't," she murmured, "I can't let myself."

He rubbed his temples in frustration. "Because you just can't miss out on all those other guys?" he spat, slightly sarcastic, "What's so wrong with me that you won't let yourself care? What?"

"It's not about you, Logan," Rory said, frustrated, "And it sure as hell isn't about other guys. I wish it was, but I haven't seen another guy in almost a year. I wish I had."

"If it's not about me, then what is it?" Logan asked, his voice lowering but not losing its bite, "I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose you but you make so damn hard to hold on."

Rory took a deep breath. This was the moment of truth. "It's about I'm falling for you, and I can't do that," she let out quietly after a moment of silence, "It's about all of my dreams falling away. It's about getting the fuck out of this life and away from my parents. It's…it's…"

Rory stopped. There was one thing she could think of that would show Logan all of her doubts about love and relationships. She got up and walked quickly into her bedroom.

Logan sat there, staring after her and not knowing whether he should follow. He took a few deep breaths. Before he could move to get up Rory was back, shoving an old diary into his hands. It was open to a page that was obviously well-read. He looked up at Rory in confusion.

"Read it," she said, "That will explain everything."

Rory sat nervously and watched as Logan read the diary. She'd never shown it to anyone before and it felt like she was giving him a piece of her soul. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Showing him this felt like she was committing in a big way.

When Logan finished reading the entry he looked up at her, slightly confused. "It's sweet," he said.

"Exactly," Rory stated, her voice cracking, "My mother wrote that about my father. She loved him and look what it did to her. I can't let that happen to me. I can't be her."

"Rory…" Logan started.

"No," she cut him off, "No! You met my father. You saw them together. He doesn't even care what's happened to her. That's what this life does to love." She was shaking now but refusing to let herself cry. She'd cried herself out on this particular topic long ago.

He grabbed her hand, trying to steady it. He made her look in his eyes before he spoke. "He cares, Rory," Logan said, "I saw it in his eyes. He cares. He just doesn't know how anymore."

"Because of me," she stated, "Because I forced them to live a life they didn't want. Well, I don't want that life either and nothing will make me live it. Not even you."

He sucked in a breath. He was beginning to understand Rory's muddled and multi-layered logic with which she surrounded herself as though it was an impenetrable law.

He held her hand tighter. "I can't even tell if you're punishing yourself for their lives or protecting yourself," he said.

She inhaled sharply at his insight. She wasn't sure if she knew the answer to that herself, but she was beginning to think it was both.

"But you can't punish yourself forever, Rory," Logan continued softly, "They made a choice. Having a baby didn't mean they had to follow the plan. And falling in love doesn't mean you do."

"Falling in love with you does," she whispered, barley audible.

He blinked. Was she right? Yes, he would have to maintain connections to do his preordained job effectively, but he sure as hell didn't want a wife like his mother or even his sister. He shook his head. She couldn't be right. He wouldn't let her be. If only because imagining marrying her didn't frighten him like it should.

"No," he said without even a waiver of uncertainty, "It doesn't. I wouldn't want you to be anyone other than who you are."

She felt her resolve weakening. She was breathing heavily. "I…I don't know. I just…don't know if I can. Maybe."

It was more of a question than a statement. But, for Logan, 'maybe' was enough for now.

"We could go slowly," he suggested, brushing his lips against her knuckles, "Maybe say we officially won't see other people."

She bit her lip, uncertain. "I won't call you my g-word and you won't call me your b-word until you're ready," he continued, hoping to make her more comfortable.

She thought for a few minutes before nodding slightly. After all, it wasn't really that much of a change. "Ok," she said, "I think I can do that."

Logan breathed a sigh of relief. Having felt as though they'd resolved something he could relax. He could even say he was happy having made a tiny miniscule step forward.

"Let's get some breakfast," he said, hoping to relieve some of the tension that had built up during their conversation.

She nodded and gave him a small smile, feeling more at ease than she had in weeks, maybe even years. Maybe this would be ok after all. She got up to go grab her purse, but she was restrained by the fact that Logan hadn't let go of her hand when he stood up.

She looked at him questioningly before he pulled her into a tight hug. She wrapped her arms around him gratefully and nuzzled her face into his neck inhaling the scent that was uniquely him. They just stood there holding each other for almost ten minutes until Logan let her go and allowed her to grab her purse so they could leave. They exited the room with his armed wrapped tightly around her waist both content with each other's presence.

As the door closed another in the dorm opened which had been slightly ajar throughout the whole conversation. Madeline and Louise walked out of Madeline's bedroom and looked at each other. Both were a little shell shocked.

"Wow," Louise stated, not sure what else to say.

Madeline's face broke into a grin. "This is good," she said, "This is really good." Louise nodded hesitantly. Maybe it was.


	5. Codependent

Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls.

**AN**- Many, many thanks to Laura for all the help on this chapter.

**Chapter 5- Codependent**

"So?" Madeline questioned Logan, a huge grin on her face. She'd stepped into his path as he was heading out of the girls' dorm a week after Logan and Rory's relationship altering conversation. Rory had left an hour earlier for her first class of the day. "How are things going with you and Rory? Didn't we tell you our advice would work?"

"They're good," Logan said, trying to keep his face neutral. As optimistic as he was about the developments of his relationship with Rory, he didn't want to get his hopes too high. "They're really good. Although I'm not sure it was completely your advice, much as I appreciated it. I think I pushed a little more than you guys suggested."

"Please," Madeline said, "You would have been calling her every day that week if it weren't for us. You needed to wait until she was ready to call you. You would have been lost without me and Louise."

Logan just shook his head. He was too happy with how things were going with Rory to put up an argument over something that didn't matter. "Well, I'm very grateful for your help," he stated, smiling indulgently.

"Seriously, though," Madeline pressed, "How is everything with you two? I want details." She leaned forward and put her hand on his shoulder, emphasizing that she could keep a secret. She was practically salivating at the prospect of getting information from Logan before Louise got anything.

"Everything is great," Logan said, rolling his eyes at her eagerness. "She has yet to freak out and stop calling me, change her cell number, or move out of state. And she has let me come with her to pick up her mother again. And that's all the details you're going to get. It has all been great."

"Well, ok," Madeline said, "Louise is going to be disappointed that I didn't get more gossip. But I suppose that will have to do." She stepped aside to let him walk past her towards the door, but her mouth formed into a delicate pout.

Logan just laughed as he headed out of the room towards his own dorm. He needed to shower and change before his first class. He'd thought about bringing a bag with him and showering at Rory's, but he had yet to work up the nerve to do so. He was still a little tense and unsure about what would make Rory freak out and retreat back into herself. Everything had been so great and open between them for the past week, but he knew it couldn't be that easy.

* * *

Rory was on the couch painting her toenails just over a month later when Louise entered the common room and flopped down next to her. Rory glared at her when the movement of the couch jostled her hand, causing her to spread pink polish all over her pinkie toe.

She sighed and reached for the nail polish remover and some cotton balls. "Can I help you, Louise?"

"Yes," Louise responded, "You can help me. You can help me by telling me what's up with you and Logan. And it better be good. Because I told Madeline I could get better info than the shreds she got from Logan last month."

"Logan talked to Madeline about us?" Rory questioned incredulously.

"Barely," Louise scoffed, "He didn't tell her anything. Which is why you have to tell more. We're dying to hear about the good stuff." She huffed when Rory didn't look up from removing the paint smeared all over her toe. She snatched the bottle and cotton from Rory's hands, quickly placing them out of her reach.

Rory gasped, grabbing fruitlessly for the bottle. She finally looked at the persistent blonde in front of her. "I'm not telling you about my sex life," she stated.

"Please," Louise said, "That's not the good stuff. We've all been having sex since we were fourteen. I'm talking about the commitment stuff. What's it like having a boyfriend?"

"It's goo… he's not my boyfriend." Rory quickly corrected herself.

Louise sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine," she said, "Tell me what it's like only seeing one guy who is not your boyfriend."

"It's weird but nice," Rory admitted, "I like waking up to the same guy every day. I like waking up to _a_ guy instead of an empty bed that some random guy, although most recently it was usually Logan, snuck out of hours ago. It's all just new, but comfortable in the best way. And he's Logan. So it will never be boring. He's just as likely to want to go base-j----umping as curl up on the couch with takeout and movies. He's whisking me away to an undisclosed location next weekend."

"Undisclosed?" Louise questioned, "You mean with the Life and Death Brigade?"

Rory's eyes widened. "The what?" she asked, trying to convey obliviousness.

Louise rolled her eyes. "That crew is not nearly as sneaky as they think they are," she stated, "Probably an effect of their close relationship with alcohol. I had a thing with a guy. I knew Logan was a member, but I'm surprised you are. Doesn't all that exhilarating fun get in the way of your studying?"

Rory sighed. "I'm not a member," she replied, "Hence the undisclosed location."

Louise raised her eyebrows. "They're taking a non-member on an event? I didn't think they _ever_ did that."

Rory gave a coy smile and shrugged. "Logan convinced them I was trustworthy," she explained, "He said I needed to let loose for once in my life."

Louise smiled. She'd never seen her friend this happy. Rory was glowing and the smile that covered her face was free of its usual shadows.

"I'm really glad everything is going so well between you two, Rory," she said, "It's great to see you so happy."

"It's great to be so happy," Rory replied. She grinned at Louise before snagging the nail polish remover and returning to her toes.

"Speaking of the boy waking up in your bed," Louise continued, trying to regain her friend's attention. "When is he going to bring stuff with him? He's quite the slow learner if he doesn't know that he's spending the night here and needs some supplies."

Rory paused for a second and looked up. "You know," she said, "I don't know. It does seem a little silly that he has to leave here an hour early every morning to shower and change when he could just as easily do it here. I wonder why he doesn't do that."

"Is it possible he's worried about pushing you too fast?" Louise hinted, laughing internally at her friend's cluelessness. "Maybe you need to make the first step in that direction."

"Huh," Rory pondered, "I hadn't thought of that." She bit her lip, considering the possibility. Louise left Rory to her thoughts, letting the idea sink in.

_What would those two do without me…_, she thought to herself as she went into her room.

* * *

Rory had been attempting to read for the past two hours. She'd been unable to concentrate on her book. Louise's words kept running through her mind. Had she made Logan that cautious around her? Was he really so scared to make any move that signified a commitment? And, most importantly, could she really blame him if he was?

By the time she heard the knocking on the door, she'd decided it was on her to make Logan more comfortable. He'd been doing everything in his power to keep their new relationship from being too overwhelming for her.

She got up with a smile on her face and let Logan in, kissing him briefly on the lips as he walked through the doorway.

"Hey," she said, "How are you?"

He kissed her cheek and snaked an arm comfortably around her waist. "I'm good," he said, "You ready to go?"

"Yeah," she nodded, "What are we doing?"

"Dinner," he responded, "And Lanny's throwing a birthday party at our room. So I thought we'd go to that and spend the night there tonight."

"Sounds good. Just let me go get a bag," she stated.

"A bag?" he inquired, quirking his eyebrows.

"Yeah," she answered shifting her weight nervously. "If I'm going to be spending the night at my b…" She caught herself slipping for the second time that day. She looked down before beginning again, "If I'm going to be spending the night at your room, I want some of my own stuff. It'll just be easier in the morning."

He grinned at her obvious nervousness. He had to appreciate that this was huge for her. It felt nice that he wasn't the only one invested in this. He wasn't the only one to step outside his comfort zone to make it work.

Rory took a deep breath and continued, "You should do the same. Actually, if you wanted to leave some of your stuff here, that might be a good idea."

"Yeah?" he asked, smiling. Her slip at the beginning of her statement had not been missed. Maybe he should be more cautious, but he couldn't help but be excited by the way things were progressing between them.

After dinner, Rory and Logan spent a few hours at the party before retiring to his room for the night. They didn't spend too many nights in Logan's room despite his much larger bed. Logan didn't mind allowing Rory that position of power and comfort.

* * *

Rory woke up in the middle of the night. She slid silently and carefully from his arms and pulled on Logan's shirt before heading to the bathroom. When she returned she was surprised to see Logan awake and sitting up. Her eyes landed on her phone in his hands, and it all made sense.

"Did you answer?" she asked, gesturing at the phone.

He shook his head. "They left a message," he said.

She took the phone and dialed her voice mail. She wasn't surprised to hear Mark's voice. "Hey, Rory," he said, "I'm sure you're asleep. I don't know if you'll get this. Call me if you do. I'll wait an hour and then I'll call her a cab."

Rory headed to the closet, where she had stored her bag, to pull on some clothes. Logan's hand caught her wrist on the way and he pulled her to the bed. "Logan," she protested, "I have to go. You can come and be my big strong protector if you insist."

Logan rolled his eyes at the sarcastic tone in which the end of her statement was made, but he maintained his grip, holding her to him. "You shouldn't go," he stated, his voice serious.

She looked at him like he was crazy. "I have to go," she said, "She'll never get home and in the house otherwise. Best case scenario, she would end up passed out on the porch."

"Maybe you need to let her do that, Rory," he responded, "You can't keep shielding her from the consequences of all this."

"So I should just let my mother drive into a tree? Let her kill herself or someone else to teach her a lesson?" she asked incredulously. She wrenched herself free of his grasp and continued to dress herself.

Logan sighed and stood up as well He stepped close to her but didn't try to touch her. "Mark won't let her drive," he said. Since the two had become more official he had come with Rory to retrieve Lorelai quite a few times and was familiar with the bartender's protectiveness for both Lorelai and Rory.

"I can't just leave her there. She's not Mark's responsibility." Rory stated, but Logan could tell her conviction was weakening slightly.

"I know you took Health class," Logan said, reaching out to her and brushing his hand across her cheek. "You probably still have your notes. You know I'm right, intellectually. You have to let her make her mistakes. It'll kill you if you keep absorbing the consequences. I see how tired you are all the time. She's not your responsibility either. She is _your _mother. Not the other way around."

"I can't," she said, her voice barely a whisper. "I can't. Do you even understand what you're asking me to do?"

"I understand that it's hard. But I'm standing here watching this kill you, and I can't do anything about it." Logan's voice was edging towards desperation.

"No," Rory whispered, her voice wavering.

"Rory," Logan began, reaching out to touch her arm.

"No," she repeated, her voice stronger and louder. Her hands were shaking, but she held her head high and walked out of the room.

Logan quickly followed after her, wrapping the sheet around his waist as he went. He approached her and rested his hand on her arm as she frantically dug through her purse for her keys.

"This is going to kill you," he repeated, "You can't do this for much longer. _We_ can't do this for much longer."

"This isn't about you," she spat. She finally found her keys and pulled them from her purse triumphantly. "This is my problem. This is what my life is. And if you can't deal with that, maybe we aren't going to work." She pulled her arm from his hand and spun away from him.

"Please, Rory," he begged, "Please. I don't want us to end. But I _really_ don't want you to lose all of your dreams because you're spending your life covering for her mistakes. Please don't do this."

Rory shook her head. "No," she said, but her voice wavered. "This doesn't effect any of that. I can handle it all."

"You can't," he replied gently, "I'm watching it get harder for you. Every morning you get up for class after going to get her, I see you struggle more. You can't do this forever. Your mom, the person she was before the alcohol took her over, the one who wrote in that diary, she wouldn't want you to give up everything for her. She would want you to achieve everything. She would want you to have it all."

"No, no, no," she mumbled. But she had given in. She leaned into Logan, tears falling down her cheeks. "I'm scared."

"I know," Logan soothed, tilting his head to kiss her shoulder. He pulled her tightly to him and whispered, "Let's just try to sleep." He took her hand in one of his and guided her back to the bedroom.

Rory shifted in Logan's arms for over an hour before finally falling into a restless sleep. He stayed up watching her twist and turn, holding her tight. Occasionally he would kiss her brow or brush her arm, trying to soothe her, but mostly he just watched her and hoped he hadn't been wrong convincing her not to go. He finally drifted back to a dreamless sleep hours later, never disentangling himself from Rory.


	6. How It's Going to Be

Disclaimer: I dont' own Gilmore Girls**  
**

**Chapter 6 – How It's Going to Be**

Rory woke early after spending the night tossing and turning. She didn't get more than two hours of sleep at a time before jolting awake from a vague feeling that she was falling. Each time she would drift back into a lighter sleep until 6:30 when she knew she wouldn't fall back asleep at all. Logan's night had been similar due both to his worry and his proximity to Rory as she tossed and turned.

She glanced up and noticed his eyes were open as well. "Hey," she said softly, her voice thick with exhaustion.

He kissed her temple and brushed her hair of her face. "How you feeling?" He asked.

She moved her shoulder up a bit. "Ok, I guess. Tired. Anxious."

"How about we go get some coffee?" he suggested.

She gave him a small smile and nodded. "Breakfast, too," she said before slowly beginning to move, reluctant to remove herself from the relative safety of his arms.

After getting dressed, the two exited Logan's dorm room and walked, hand in hand, to a small on-campus diner that Rory often frequented for breakfast. It was only after they sat down and ordered and she had a cup of coffee in front of her that she brought herself to pull out her cell phone and turn it on. She sighed and bit her lip when she saw that she had five new voice mails.

Logan looked at her questioningly. "Message?"

"Five," she responded, her voice low. "I should check them."

He nodded, knowing there was no point in arguing, although he wished she would eat breakfast first.

She pressed a few buttons and held the phone tentatively to her ear, chewing her bottom lip nervously. The first new message was another from Mark, telling her that he was going to send Lorelai home in a cab and that she shouldn't worry. The next one made her take in a sharp breath before she even heard the content of the message. Her father never called her.

"Rory," he began urgently, "I'm at the hospital. Your mother fell getting out of her fucking cab and hit her head on the curb. She has a concussion. How the hell did you let this happen? Call me back immediately."

Her eyes filled with tears as the next message started. It was her father again. His voice was even more irritated in this message, and it continued to become more so for the following two messages. In the final one, he informed her that he had taken Lorelai home from the hospital. He made it very clear that she was expected to come home and help take care of her mother.

She pushed the off button, blinking slowly, hoping to quell her tears. "She had to go to the hospital," She said monotonously, "She fell getting out of her cab. Damn it. I knew I should have gone."

"Is she ok?" he asked.

"She has a concussion," Rory said shortly, her voice still detached. "I have to get home." She refused to look at him.

"Rory..." He began, not sure what to say, knowing that nothing would make this ok. He reached out to touch her hand.

She shook his hand off and stood up, downing the coffee in front of her. "We'll talk later, Logan." She walked quickly out of the restaurant without a backwards glance.

"Fuck," he whispered, resting his forehead on the table, barely stirring when the waitress placed their breakfast plates in front of him.

Rory rushed back to Hartford, maintaining her speed at fifteen miles per hour over the limit. Someone had to make sure Lorelai didn't drink while she had a concussion, and she knew her father would quickly lose patience as a baby-sitter, if he hadn't already.

She pulled into the driveway, slamming her door on the way out of the car, and rushed into the house. "Dad?" she called out, not sure if she would get an answer.

"Rory," Christopher's agitated voice responded, "There you are. Where the hell have you been?"

She sighed. "At school," she said, rolling her eyes. "Yale? Remember that place?"

He glared at her. "Your sarcasm is not appreciated," he spat, his teeth gritted. "Why didn't you pick up your mother last night? Do you know how fucking embarrassing this is? You know at least one of the neighbors saw. Letty Hampton doesn't miss a fucking thing that goes on around here no matter what time. Do you imagine that she missed your mother nearly killing herself in her drunken haze? Do you think the whole neighborhood followed by this whole town isn't going to find out? Damn it, Rory. Do you even care what this will do to the business?"

She shook her head in annoyance. Of course he was only worried about what this would look like and how it would effect his precious business. "Where is she?" she asked, not bother to respond to his questions.

"Upstairs," he retorted tersely, "You're in charge of taking care of her. And do a better job than you did last night."

Rory swallowed the lump forming in her throat. She could be angry with her father all she wanted, but he was right. This was her fault. She should have gone the second she got the message from Mark. She could vaguely hear Logan's voice in the back of her mind, telling her this wasn't her responsibility and that she was killing herself, but she quickly pushed it away. She'd listened to him last night and look how that turned out.

She headed up the stairs and to her mother's room. Lorelai looked awful. There was an egg-sized lump on her forehead and huge dark circles under her eyes. She looked so broken and small. Her eyes were closed, but she stirred when she heard Rory enter the room.

"Hey, Mom," she said softly, "You ok?"

Lorelai's eyes opened. She glared. "Fuck you," she rasped, "Get me a drink."

Rory's face took on the emotionless look she'd perfected over the years. "I don't think that's a good idea," she responded, not allowing herself to feel any hurt. "Do you want some water or something?"

Lorelai just glared. Rory sighed. This was going to be a barrel of laughs. She took a seat in the chair at the other end of the room, pulling an untouched book from the bookcase and beginning to read.

Rory returned to Yale late Sunday night after a long two days spent in the presence of her sober and very cranky mother. She rubbed her temples with exhaustion, knowing that it would be a sleepless night. She had rushed home without taking any of her school work, which meant she would have to spend tonight preparing herself for tomorrow's classes.

She walked into her room, jumping when she noticed the unexpected body laying on her bed. She gave a sigh of relief when she recognized Logan's sleeping form. She walked over to him and shook him roughly.

"How did you get in here?" she asked, annoyed.

"You're here," he said with a yawn, blinking tiredly.

"It's my room," she stated, "What are you doing here?"

He sat up, beginning to realize that she was less than happy with his presence. "I knew you'd have to be back tonight," he explained, "I wanted to see you. Louise let me in. Are you ok? How's your mom?"

"Fine," Rory said, intending it to answer all of his questions. "You should probably leave though. I didn't have any of my books or notes at home. I'm going to be working all night. You won't be able to sleep." she gestured at the door, emphasizing her point.

"I don't mind," he responded, grabbing her hand and pulling her to him. He kissed her temple. "I missed you."

"That's sweet," she said dryly, pulling away. "But you'll distract me. I'll call you tomorrow or something."

Logan nodded, looking at the ground as he headed out of the room.

"Wait," Rory called after him. He turned around, a glint of hope lighting his brown eyes. "You forgot your stuff," she continued, gesturing at the bag of clothes and toiletries that was lying on her dresser.

"I was going to leave those here," he explained, "Like you suggested."

"Like I suggested?" she questioned, grabbing the bag and handing it to him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

His eyes filled with defeat, and he shook his head. "So I guess this is how it's going to be," he said, "I'm to blame for your mom getting hurt, and all the progress we've made, all the steps forward, are just out the window."

She looked at the ground. "I don't know what you're talking about. We're fine."

"Whatever, Rory," he spat, finally getting fed up, "Two days ago you were calling me your boyfriend, and now you can't even look at me. I can't handle this. I can't handle watching what this does to you, and I can't handle you jerking me around. I need a break. Call me when you figure your life out and how you want me to be part of it."

He grabbed his bag from her hand and headed out the door, a part of him hoping that she would call after him, that maybe he was as important to her as she was to him. She didn't.


End file.
